Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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