i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
