Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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