you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just want to make out with him forever
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
