i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
