i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
