turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
