He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
