Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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