I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So much Jack, so little girl.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
