please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
