how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
