Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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