shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
