My hand turned me down
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
