I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
