My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.