Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dating After Heartbreak
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.