so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
