Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
