I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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