I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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