As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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