when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
