my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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