Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize