i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
