Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
