you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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