i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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