we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
