its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
