Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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