Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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