Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
