ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize