Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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