ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
