Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
