I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
