I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
