Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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