i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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