mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
