I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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