The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
