Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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