If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
