Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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