just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
