I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
