I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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