Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
