You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
