you guys were way drunker than both of me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
