I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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