i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
