You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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