Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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