OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?