her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up under a house in Key West
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